Dear Diary,
by ConvictionSC
Summary: This is a series of Shepard's diary entries throughout Mass Effect 3, revolving around his own internal struggle, not just Shepley, but also other issues such as identity crisis.. As of 10.50 am, GMT   8, Saturday, 7 April 2012, this series has been comp
1. Chapter 1

"Shepard."

When you said my name, my heart skipped a beat. When I saw those beautiful amber eyes of yours, the world seemed to stop. Only one word came to mind; _beautiful._ Never once in my life did I imagine you letting down your hair.

I suddenly recalled a particular conversation three years ago. The three of us. Just me, Kaidan and you. Talking on the Citadel. I remembered you saying; "If you expect me to get into a tinfoil miniskirt and thigh-high boots, you'd have to buy me dinner first." Who knew. You were gonna wear those thigh-high boots after all. I guess the only predictable thing about life is its unpredictability huh?

Probably nobody expected that you were gonna get past the rank of Gunnery Chief. I don't think you did either. But I had faith in you Ash. I was pretty darn sure you make it, somehow. I'm glad I was right. Last year, when Anderson told me you got promoted to Operations Chief, you had no idea how surprised I was, though pleasantly so. To see you rise up to Lieutenant Commander, the same rank as me now, you have no idea how proud I am. I won't lie, I was kinda disappointed when I found out about your promotion only then. But I understood why.

Back on Mars, when you still suspected me of being in cahoots with Ceberus, did you have any idea how hurt I was? But I don't blame you. Ceberus brought me back. In logic, I'm supposed to be grateful to them, and give them my unwavering loyalty. True enough, I'm grateful, really. But my heart will forever be with the Alliance. With _you._

I'm praying. For you. I think of you, laying unconscious at the hospital. I finally understand why you reacted that way on Horizon. The doctors told me that you'd be alright. Yet here I am, beating myself up. How could I let that happen to you? I was supposed to keep you safe, protect you. I can only imagine what you went through when I died, right in front of your eyes. I'm sorry, Ash.

But right now, I'm just praying. I was never a believer in God, but now, I'm pleading with Him to not take you away from me. He returned me to you for a reason. We were given a second chance, and I'm not going to let it slip between my -our- fingers. So wake up Ash. Come back to me.

**A/N: So, here's my new story. I'm a greenhorn and writing these kind of stuffs, so if there's anything that can be improved on, please don't hesitate to point it out. Please rate, and review. Thanks for reading! By the way, I'm religion-less in real life, so there's very little knowledge of God. If I accidentally posted anything offending, please let me know. Again, thanks for reading! :D **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Well, guess I have now have a reviewer (Brother Of The Moon, thanks for your kind words. If there's anything that's not good enough, point it out) as well as a follower (Many thanks to James Warren Shepard for being the first person to add this story to his favourites and following it as well! :D). It's 2.30 am now and I'm starting to type chapter 2 from scratch even though I have school at 7. As usual, if there's anything off, let me know) Edit: It's 3.10 am now. Off to bed. Let me know what you guys think. :D**

Your emails never fail to bright up my day you know? Today, I left a friend to die, to cure the Genophage. Why? Because we need their firepower, that's why. Sometimes, I don't even know why I fight so hard, for the galaxy. The council is too caught up with its political bullishit anyway.

_Then, I think of Kaidan, who sacrificed his life just so we could have another fighting chance. I thought of Garrus, who still had a father and a sister on Palaven. Mordin, a cherished friend, who similarly gave his life to our cause, just so we could gain the help of the Krogan, just so we could meagerly have an increase in chance of survival against the Reapers. Finally, I thought of you. I can only imagine the horror they would go through, after losing your father, and Sarah's husband. But then, I just really couldn't picture the galaxy without you. _

I meant it when I said I couldn't do this without you Ash. We never could cut all ties, not on my life. I'm just glad that I'm still a "good thing" in your life. When I heard Udina offering you Spectre status, I was torn. Really. You earned this, you're the best damn soldier the Alliance ever has. Better than _me._ I'm a mere mascot. There, I said it out loud. People might disagree, but it's really just the plain old truth.

And then, there's the matter of Udina. Udina doesn't do things without a reason, or selfish motives. Something's bugging me. He's hiding something. I confronted him today, at his office after our chat. I couldn't get anything out of him, but I found out yet another fact about you. You actually attended officer training courses, learning how to hold your tongue. Gunnery Chief Williams would've probably never attended anything like that. But you're Lieutenant Commander Williams now. You're different. _Wiser. Smarter. Calmer. _

I guess the saying's right. Just because you used to know somebody doesn't mean you still do. We both changed, but I'm trying to close the gap. I'm not going to give up on us, not now, when we've been given a second chance. How many people do? We have to make their sacrifices worth it. Each second we breathe now, was due to another giving his life. For me, for _us._

_I'm not giving up Ash. I hope you're not too._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I've just realised that I messed up on the last two chapters. Chronologically, the cure-the-Genophage mission occurs directly before the Ceberus attack on the Citadel. However, I wrote about it in the first chapter when Shepard visits Ashley for the first time. I decided that it's gonna stay put. My typing, editing, and uploading takes place entirely on my phone, thus, it's really troublesome for me to piece everything together correctly. Simply put, the missions mentioned in this series won't be chronologically canon. I know it's wrong on all levels, but for convenience's sake, please do accommodate and make do. Apologies once again. Really, really sorry! Just to update, as of now, I have another follower, rainbow boobies, and a very awesome reviewer, Revan Of Eorl. I'll try to make my stories longer, I promise. :D Again, thanks for reading. If there's anything I can improve on, let me know. :D **

Today, as I made my way to your ward, a thousand thoughts ran through my mind. What were you gonna say? _Do you still have faith? In me, in us?_

When you told me that you accepted Udina's offer, a wierd mixture of of happiness and angst overwhelmed me . I meant what I said. You deserve it. Technically, you are the first genuine human Spectre. It's the truth. The reason they made me a Spectre was to merely catch Saren, because no one else could. A human Spectre? Tell that to anyone five years ago, and they'd call you a nutjob. But now, we have two. I guess what I really want to say is; I'm proud of you. I really am. Not just me too, but I think your grandfather and father can truly rest in peace now.

But then, Udina comes to mind again. Honestly, I have reservations about you becoming a Spectre. As I said, you truly deserve it, but I have a hunch. Something feels odd. _Odd and wrong._ Udina's up to something, but I won't let him hurt you, _hurt us._ I promise.

I went for a drink at Purgatory. I saw Joker. He told me about how the people danced. They were shaking their arms like there was on tomorrow. Beneath the calm and peaceful facade throughout the Citadel, lay the fears and worries of its citizens. It doesn't matter how serene it looks. The influx of refugee coming in exposes the cold hard truth.

Speaking of Joker, he really fascinates me sometimes. He's got Vrolic Syndrome. But he manages to make the Normandy dance ballet. It's hard to imagine him having a serious relationship with EDI. Less than a year ago, he couldn't wait to get rid of her. To have your other half be an AI -one that seeks to become humane no less- it's just Life's gentle reminder on how unpredictable it can be, regardless for better or worse. He asked me if he should go for it. I showed my approval, but he still had reservations, no doubt. Not that I can blame him for it. I asked him; "If today was your last day on Earth, would rather die regretting that you didn't speak your heart out, or pass away knowing you tried to fight for what you wanted? Don't answer me. It's not necessary, because I know what I want. Do you?". He finally plucked up his courage. I'm glad he did.

The sight of him getting drinks and laughing with EDI made me wonder if the same thing can happen to us. But it took less than a second for me to answer myself.

_Yes._ It _is _possible. I'm going to make it happen, no matter what. What good is saving the galaxy when I can't even spend what are possibly my last moments with the woman I love?

_I just hope you feel the same way._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Wow. I'm actually pretty overwhelmed now. Surprised that this little humble story of mine is starting to gain some attention. And we have a new member on board! Carleen, I really appreciate your comments. I went back to read the first chapter, and it was awfully cheesy. In fact, I'm a little disgusted myself. I was never a fan of out-of-character mushy writing. Oops. But I'm not going to edit it or anything. I want to show future readers what I exactly wrote. Again, I want to apologise for the screwing up of the event chronology. In chapter 2, I actually mentioned about Sarah's husband getting killed in action. I was like "WHUT?". God, I really need to start paying attention to what I'm writing. Really sorry for the stupid blunders! Now, let's let you guys read in peace. **

I still can't believe it. Jack, an instructor at Grissom Academy? _Really?_ I'll admit, Jack teaching students was the last thing I would've expected her to do. But in some ways, I guess, _maybe she's the best candidate for this job after all. _Watching all those gifted students standing their ground against those Ceberus troopers, I was simply overwhelmed. I doubt they would be able to perform as well if their instructor was just another walking textbook.

The way Jack raised their morale, it was just _incredible._ I wonder if that was how people felt watching me give those speeches. Speeches that often included _"We have to stick together, then we'll prevail!_" Then again, those are just lies in my eyes. Lies to make them feel confident, that they'll -we'll- get out of this mess unscathed. We know better, they know better. But I guess blind hope is our only source of refuge now, no?

Liara came to my room just now, said she had something to show me. It was a device that stored every single bit of information about the galaxy._ A time capsule._ When she asked me how I would like myself to be remembered, I said; "Make me inspiring. Make me a legend, a role model for future generations to come. Someone unforgettable, almost god-like even.". I know this doesn't sound like me. In fact, I almost told her to just write the truth. But I reminded myself, _this is a time capsule for future generations to come. Should we fail to defeat the Reapers, everyone needs a hero to look up to._ So I told her to make me a hero, who accomplished the impossible.

_I'm the mascot. It's what I'm supposed to look like. I'm supposed to inspire. _

Speaking of Grissom Academy, guess who I met. _Kahlee Sanders._ Can you believe it? Kahlee and Anderson. I wonder when those two would stop beating about the bush and just tie the knot. _And after them, everything comes back to us again._

Hackett told me you're on a classified assignment, a new duty part of your Spectre status. I guess we're really par-to-par now huh?

_Just stay safe Ash. I can't lose you as much as you can't lose me._


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Well well, since I've got plenty of time right now, I'll probably be doing two, or maybe even three chapters at once. I'm gonna write this chapter, publish it, then write the next one immediately. Let me know what you guys think. As usual, any review would be deeply appreciated. I need to know where I'm going after all, then I can improve. In turn, you guys get better stories. Enough said. Again, thanks for reading.**

_Wow. Just... Wow._ Frankly speaking, I don't think any term can do justice to what I'm feeling right now.

_Excited, proud? _I met Grunt today. He's been named leader of Aralakh Company. I never thought it was possible. A tank-bred? Leading a unit? Wrex told me he put Grunt as the head of Aralakh Company -his best unit- because Grunt exemplified the bright future of the Krogan. I was speechless. Don't get me wrong. I just thought _it was a miracle in its own right_. The Krogan aren't seen as brainless creatures of destruction anymore. They're _no longer nuisances, _or _pests._ They're more than _that_ now. They're the ones that would _help us take back Earth, Palaven, and other planets from the Reapers._ They're the _saviours of the galax_y now. And they've become more civilised too, under the exemplary leadership of Wrex no less. _Another "impossible" happened. Can you believe this? _

After that, comes angst, anger, rage. _And guilt. _The reason we were there in the first place was to help find a missing band of scouts Wrex sent to investigate a series of caves. We found them, but not before discovering that the whole place was a Rachni nest, a _breeding_ _ground. _Pods of Swarmers. _Thousands. _We found a Queen Rachni. She told us how the Reapers indoctrinated her offspring. She promised to help us, if we helped her._ I rejected her_. She tried to kill us, but Grunt got us out of there in the nick of time. Just like that, I killed what maybe the last hope of a dying race. Everyone told me I did the right thing, that she was too dangerous to be trusted. Maybe they were right. She probably would've betrayed us at the end. But does it justify my action? I caused a race to become extinct. _For good._ Did I have the right to make that decision? Who does? God? I don't even know if He exists. No one does.

And then, there's the case of the scouts. We found them, but not alive. They were dead. All of them. And they died for us. We deduced that those scouts realised what was going on in that cave, but they made sure to get all of those heavy weapons deep inside the caves. They died trying to make sure that the next group of explorers stood a chance to make it out alive to spread the word.

I left that place feeling sick and wretched. Not because of the sickly green shade their corpses took, or the odour the bodies emitted. It was because I knew that more people died so that I could live. In a single day, my already-tainted hands were stained by the blood of an entire race, as well those of brave warriors whose names would never go down in history.

But it just gives me one more reason to keep going. I have to make their sacrifices worth it. _So I'll use my role as the mascot. I'll lead the assault on the Reapers and defeat them, or die trying._

I'll make sure that their sacrifices were worth it. I'll do it.

_For the galaxy. _

_For them. _

_For me._

_For you._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Well folks, here's chapter 6. As usual, let me know what you think, or what you want me to change.**

We saved Miranda and her sister Oriana today. And more importantly, made a few surprising, if not valuable, discoveries.

Ceberus _is _working for the Reapers. We found Reaper tech all over the facility. Documents on how effective indoctrination methods were. Dossiers on high potential subjects. I even saw a woman turn into a husk before my very eyes. The whole thing just disgusts me. Ceberus was _supposed to help us_. _Fight the Reapers_. Not experiment on human test subjects, turning them into those abominations. It doesn't make sense. _Everything doesn't make sense_. Then came the bigger shock. Henry Lawson, Miranda's father, was in charge of the whole place. But we managed to make him stay down anyway. _For good._

Can you believe it? Ceberus sent false signals, disguising the whole area as some sort of oasis for refugees. Like a bloody Venus flytrap. Given what's going on in the galaxy, everyone just flocked to that damn place, similar to the unsuspecting flies, falling prey to those bastards without any knowledge of what was really going on. They even dubbed the facility "Sanctuary". _Oh the irony._

Speaking of Miranda, she told me something I can't get around, nor forget. It was during those Ceberus days. She said; "You have something special, Shepard. _Something that makes people want to follow you to Hell itself."_. I didn't quite believe her you know. And I still don't. A few days ago, Chakwas and I were celebrating our newly created annual affair of Serrice-Ice-Brandy-fueled heart-to-heart talk. I asked her why she didn't call me by my first name. She replied; "You're the _Hero of the Citadel, Conqueror of the Collectors, Saviour of the galaxy. _Calling you by your first name would be disrespecting everything and everyone you fight for, dead or alive. It's only right to call you Commander Shepard.".

Her rationale was utter nonsense. She was drunk. But what struck me was what she thought of me. _What the rest of the galaxy thought of me. _Soldiers, civilians, the Council alike - I was always _Commander Shepard._ First human Spectre. The guy who defeated Saren. The one who came back from the dead. The hero who went through the Omega-4 relay and returned to tell the tale. The peace-maker that would be the first to truly bond all of the races in the galaxy despite the uncountable conflicts and grudges between them. The galaxy's only hope of victory against the Reapers.

Even to the Reapers, Harbinger and the Collectors. I'm _Commander Shepard. _The annoying foe who just refuses to die. A thorn in the flesh who seems to go against the odds and still survives.

It hit me. I was never just _Shepard._ I'll always be known as _Commander Shepard._ _The mascot._ The _Shepard_ who was born in the slums of Earth, the low-life thug that _Commander Shepard _wouldn't think twice about handing over to C-sec - I don't know where he's gone to. I don't even know when he left. But suddenly, I realise I miss him so much. But I know I can't get him back anymore. He's gone for good. He made way for Commander Shepard. There wasn't enough place in this galaxy for the both of them. And Commander Shepard _wouldn't_ be the one leaving. He was too important. _The galaxy needs him. _So I guess Shepard just left. _Pity. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye._

And did I mention that Sanctuary was located on Horizon? The place that those damned Collectors abducted those people right before me. And more importantly, where we first met since I died. I couldn't sleep for days after that particular meeting. Even less so after I read that letter. _Give her some time, _I told myself. _You were the one that died. Not her._

But I'm happy to say that we're past that dreadful stage now. Hackett updated me on what you were doing. He didn't -and couldn't- reveal much, since most of it is classified. But he assured me that all's well and fine for you.

I need you Ash. I don't know how long I can hold on. You help retain whatever's left of Shepard remain inside me. Come back soon.

_Because I don't know when Shepard's gonna leave. _

_And I can't lose him any less than you._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So, I've gotten some really valuable feedback for the previous two chapters, and I'm working on my mistakes. Hopefully, I won't do it again in future chapters. You guys might be wondering why I haven't gotten to the part where Ashley rejoins you on the Normandy. Truth is, I'm currently trying to cram as many missions as possible before we get to the Citadel part, because there won't really be much chapters left after we reach that point. If it annoys you that I'm disregarding the chronological order of the missions, I'm really sorry. I'm just finding ways to incorporate my chapters together so that it feels as if they were written one after the other like a real diary and thus, connect seamlessly. I won't be doing all of the missions as well. I am just gonna take those that I feel will add more content to the Shepley plot, or Shepard's internal struggle. As usual, comments are deeply appreciated. Thanks for reading.**

Another _"impossible"_ happened today. I took down a Reaper,_ on foot._ _Another to add to Commander Shepard's list of heroic feats. _We took back Rannoch, the Quarian homeworld as well. That's another step forward to our victory against the Reapers - or at least I hope so. We have the support of both the Quarians now, as well as the Geth. Two races that have been fighting each other since God-knows when, actually working together. But it didn't come without a cost.

I have _-no, had_- a friend. His name was Legion. At first, he didn't have a name you know. We just got it from a quote in the Bible. _My name is Legion, for we are many._ A fitting name because I don't even know if it's appropriate to address him as _"him"_ or _"he",_ or rather _they,_ since Legion's a platform housing 1,183 programs.

Legion was special in many ways. He was the first Geth to _not _ kill me on sight. _Hell, he saved my life_. If not for him, we probably wouldn't have known about the difference between the Geth and Heretics. But there's another thing that made him stand out.

He, like EDI, were always seemingly fascinated by how organics think and feel. A simple thing such as watching the stars fazes him. "_We do not understand. Gazing at stars results in nil. It would only waste time that could be used to do more productive activities such as strategy-planning. Furthermore, glass windows are structural weaknesses. It would be unwise and unnecessary to construct an observatory deck just for this as well._". But he was always trying to understand us. It was like, he wanted a taste of being an organic as well.

After I took down the Reaper on Rannoch, Legion found Reaper tech that would drastically increase the intelligence of the Geth when uploaded. And more importantly, let them gain true consciousness. Naturally Tali wouldn't agree to it. Both races were waging was with each other as we spoke. A sudden increase in their intelligence and war ability would surely result in total annihilation of the whole Quarian fleet. In turn, Legion asked me a question. _Does this unit have a soul?_ I barely managed to convince the Quarian fleet to back down, while allowing Legion to upload and broadcast the data simultaneously. The war between the creator and created finally ceased. I thought the hard part was over. I was wrong.

Something went wrong with the upload, and Legion sacrificed himself to make sure that the rest of his race received the data. I didn't even manage to say; _"Yes. Yes you do.". _And he was gone, just like that. His death let another miracle happen. The Geth are now helping the Quarians by utilising their new found knowledge to help them adapt back to Rannoch's environment. Who could imagine, the Geth actually helping the Quarians get settled back on their homeworld. And this was only possible because of Legion.

I so badly want to tell him; _You accomplished what Commander Shepard couldn't. I'm proud of you, my Geth friend with a soul._

_I just hope he hears it._

**Afterthought: Okay, so this chapter doesn't contain any Shepley at all, and just a tinge of the identity crisis issue. I just thought it would be quite an emotional event for him to put into his diary. Of all chapters so far, I'm really, really not confident about this. This took me four hours to type out. And I probably edited it ten times before posting. If any of you guys are actually reading this, let me know if I should remove this chapter or let it stay.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm surprised that anyone would actually like my previous chapter. Wow. Chapter 7 was my longest chapter to date, though I have a feeling this would surpass that too. Since I can't find any other plausible missions to work on, this chapter's taking place just after the attack on the Citadel. Ps: My time zone is GMT +8, and it's 8am Friday right now when I'm typing. Updates will probably be very frequent since today is Good Friday, which means there's no school. YAY! With the weekend, maybe this story would be completed by then. Who knows? I don't think I need to say anything else. You guys know the drill. **

_Thane Krios. _

_That's another name up on that wall._ God damn it. I let it happen again. I should've done something. I don't know how, but it could've been _something, anything. _But I didn't. And Thane prayed for me, right on his deathbed, during his last moments. I don't think I'm worthy for anyone to do something like that for me. But he did, and he's gone.

Life's fickle bitch ain't it? It let him survive the Suicide mission, the trip to the Omega-4 relay, only to let him fall to to a puny little illness called _Kepral's Syndrome. _Kai Leng wouldn't have won if Thane didn't have that disease. Someone once told me, _Life's always so indecisive. One minute you're at the top of the world. The next, you could very well be upside down. _So true.

_Kai Leng,_ _that coward._ He cost me a friend today. I'm not letting him off that easily. Ceberus bastard. _Ceberus... Udina._

Just mentioning that weasel's name makes my blood boil. Working with Ceberus? _What the hell _was he thinking? I always knew he was power-hungry. _But this_? At least he's dead now. I've always wanted to shoot him, ever since he grounded the Normandy. He betrayed humanity, the Council, the galaxy. Worse, _he almost made you lose me, __again. _

_Because I know I would never have been able to pull that trigger._

During the entire confrontation, I was praying you know. _Again._ I said; _"Hey, whoever's-up-there, I know you brought me back for a reason. And I don't think that it'd be wise to kill me off so soon right? Here's your chance to prove that you ain't stupid or that you actually exist."_. I know it was ridiculous. But I was angry. _Angry and worried. _But maybe there _is_ someone up there after all. You backed down. I've never seen you do that. Was that His magic in the working? I don't know. I just know I'm happy right now.

I didn't go straight back to the Normandy. I went around the whole Citadel. The Presidium Commons, E24, Huerta, and Embassies. I went to Huerta first. It seemed like the whole damn place turned into another refugee camp. The wounded were everywhere. I heard requests for medi-gel everywhere. I got Chakwas to send our own stock of medical supplies down there. They needed it more than us. We rarely got hurt anyway. _Except for the one of Mars._

I went to the Commons after that. I could see damages all around. The glass outside the C-Sec office got blown off. As I walked around, I could hear the cries and murmurs of people. Some were arguing if they should sign up for the military. Others were discussing if they should transform their business to something more military to help to the war effort. I even overheard a couple pondering if they should send their son to one of those learning centres for children. I cut in, and convinced them to help in anyway they can. And they listened. Why? Because they always said, _Yeah Commander Shepard, thanks for the advice. Will do. The wonders of Commander Shepard. _

I made my way to the Embassies. I looked up Bailey. He said that Ceberus coward got away. But I'm gonna catch him, one way or the other. I made promise, and I plan on keeping it. Udina's office was under lockdown for evidence-searching. I hope they found it.

I got to E24 afterwards. If there was anything commendable about Ceberus, it was that they left the memorial wall intact. Just a glance around the whole area, and you could see hundreds of injured refugees lying around. I went to check up on Kelly. Thank God I told her to change her identity. I don't know what would've happened to her if she didn't. I overheard Garrus shouting. Turns out the Citadel was withholding supplies for the Presidium instead of giving them to the injured and starving refugees. _Can you believe it?_ Maybe they're not _that_ better than Ceberus after all. _But not that Commander Shepard couldn't do anything about it._ I managed to get Bailey to back off and give us at least half of the supplies. _I hope it helped._

I was replaying what happened during our encounter as I walked back to the ship. And there you were, always catching me offguard, when I least expect it. The last thing I thought was you, waiting outside the airlock, finding a chance to talk to me. Chief Williams would've probably tried to avoid me, or just sent me an apology letter. But she's gone now, _just like Shepard._ Lieutenant Commander Williams took her place.

I couldn't trust my eyes. You were pouring your heart out right in front of me. And I didn't trust my ears when you asked to ride the storm aboard the Normandy, at my side._ Is this His way of making it up to me? Like a consolation prize?_ I have no idea, but I'm just going to take what I can get.

Now we truly got our chance to make things right. And I know you're thinking the same way as me. After so much loss and waiting, I'm almost tempted to say it was worth it. But I can't. It would be disrespectful to those who gave their lives to the larger cause.

_We've talked the talk. Now it's time to walk the walk._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: So, I didn't notice that my writing in the previous chapter was different from my other ones. I'll try and be more meticulous, I promise. I have a feeling there won't be much chapters left. This whole thing would probably end at chapter 11? I don't know. Anyway, I really want to thank Carleen for all the advice and tips. You might be the only thing apart from my passion for writing that encourages me to continue on. My writing was never really appreciated by my teachers or my parents. And I certainly haven't forgotten about the rest of you people that subscribed to this story. Just wanted to say that I appreciate the support, even though none of you guys posted a review yet. I just want to thank you guys for even bothering to read. Without further ado, here's chapter 9. Chapter 10 is coming up shortly.**

I never thought I would see Jacob again. Or anybody else from Ceberus again, really. Though I can't say I'm surprised to meet him under these circumstances. He was always the kind of guy who "does what's right", namely ending havoc and protecting the weak.

I'm just glad we managed to get everyone out alive. But I'm happy not just because of that. Jacob found his significant other. Dr Brynn. They made a pretty good pair. Don't you think? I visited him at Huerta after everything. He told me Brynn was expecting, and wanted to call the baby Shepard. I couldn't help but smile in spite of all that's happened. Few get happy endings, especially in times like this. And I'm sure he'd be a million times the dad his father ever was. Now all that's left is to keep him alive to make it true.

I brought you on the rescue mission with me today Ash. Because I wanted to show you the good people I worked with. The people that used to make up the true Ceberus. Not the bunch of indoctrinated terrorists that we shoot without hesitation. I hope this made you realise that.

I keep replaying our conversation at Apollo's Cafe. I wasn't really sure how to react when you asked me out. But you took it so easy and naturally, like we were never apart for the last three years. Telling me about your dad, how he would've liked me. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but only one thing I wanted to come true. And it did.

But I'm afraid at the same time. My life has never been smooth sailing. For the most of it, I always seemed to lose someone or something important just when I thought I found hope. Now I have you back by my side, I wonder when Life would make us lose each other again. They say; _"Man proposes, Heaven disposes"_. I can only hope they're wrong.

I've gotten in too deep. Just the thought of us being separated tears me apart. But after all that's happened, I'm beginning to trust in God.

_So dear Lord, if my past actions have meant anything at all, I pray._

_Don't take her away from me._

**Afternote: This very short piece took a lot longer than expected, because something really bad happened midway while writing this. I really need to vent my anger now and so I'm gonna go play some WWE, so I punch Triple H instead of the people around me. Chapter 10 will come up tomorrow morning. (It's 10.45pm right now, Friday). Sorry for the delay. Again, all reviews are encouraged and appreciated. Thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay, so after a night of of hardcore Triple H bashing and a little beer, I'm good to go for chapter 10. Yes, I know, I'm 16, and underage. But the age restriction over here is 18 and I've gotten into contact with alcohol since young. No, I'm not some Haymitch Abernathy, nor am I like Ashley, trying to drink her mind off stuffs. I just drink during the family gatherings, or the occasional pissed off moments. You know, the social drink. My dad always said it was important for a girl to be able to hold her drink well. Enough with the rambling. Hope you enjoy this piece.**

I can't believe it. I can't freaking believe it. That video recording, I still can't get it out of my mind. I remember how I used to assure you that I was still the same old me. _So self-righteous_. But I can't even convince myself that I haven't changed in the slightest bit now. I wonder how you managed to trust me. I don't even believe myself anymore.

I was distraught when I saw how The Illusive Man placed all those people by my side, to block my view of what they were really doing. How could I be so stupid? _So trusting, so gullible? I should've known. I should have. _Then another nagging worry surfaced. You were there as well, standing behind me, watching the recording too. _Would you lose faith in me again?_

I don't even know what I did in my previous life to incur its wrath like this. I just got you back. That perfect night before our assault on the base. I knew I wouldn't be so lucky to be able to stay by your side for the rest of your life. I never had that privilege. Life never gave me that._ But so soon?_ Is this some kind of sick joke?

I feel like a caged lion in a circus freak show, or like the pawn pieces in a chess game. Because now you were the one that was trying to convince me that I didn't change. To think I was pulling my hair out, trying to tell you that I was still the Shepard that you spent the night with before Ilos.

And now that we're going to take back Earth, everything just feels so _surreal, unbelievable_. Not just us, but with the Geth, Krogan, Turian, Quarians, Salarians, Batarians, Asari, all standing hand in hand, putting up one last united stand against the Reapers. It's the first time anything like that ever happened, and I certainly don't hope it's the last. Seemed like only yesterday when we left Earth on the first day of the Invasion, when we thought what an impossible feat it was. _Yet here we are._

The storm's coming. And we're riding straight towards it. But we're ready. I'm sure of it. After so much loss, sadness, and sacrifice, we're ready. We we have to be. We've waited far too long. This is the moment the whole galaxy has been waiting for.

_So let's end this._

**Afternote: It's 9.30am now, Saturday morning. I kept my promise. Yay. And the next chapter would be the last entry for this series. I think.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I just posted chapter 10, and I'm writing chapter 11 as of this moment. It's decided, this would be the last entry for the series. The letter "C" is showing up. Again, I want to say a thank you to all of you guys who have been following, even though there's less than five of you guys in total. I remember each and every one of your names. James Warren Shepard, my first subscriber, Rainbowboobies, and of course, Carleen. This has been a great journey and experience for me. I've never shown my writing to others before, except for my teacher (homework) and my parents (only showed them once though. They said I would never be able to make it as an author). And I appreciate all of the feedback. They've helped me improved, or at least I like to think that I've gotten better at this. I'm planning to do a sequel, written in Ashley's point of view. It's probably gonna be interesting since I don't like poetry. Please leave a comment stating if you would like me to do that. Or I would probably start working on other stuff. Again, thank you for reading. And I hope you enjoyed this series as much as I have.**

We all knew the fight against the Reapers wasn't a walk in the park. But to see London, or what's left of it being obliterated... Holy Mother of Mercy. I'm speechless, tongue-tied. For once I really don't know what to say. I just realised how meaningless my words of comfort sounded to Garrus when I discussed about Palaven. Or consoling Liara on what happened to Thessia. Nothing could describe what was going through my mind.

Angst? Anger? Rage? Torn? Disheartened? It's like one big milkshake of emotions. The sight before my eyes nearly knocked the wind out of me. Whatever flicker of hope I made myself hold on to just... Extinguished. But no matter what I feel, it doesn't matter anymore. We planned to take back Earth, and I plan on going through with it.

So with every last bit of strength I have left, I'll see that our dreams become a reality. I'll use my voice, as the mascot. I'll make them believe what I can't. I'll inspire, like I always have. I'll make sure we win, even if it means losing everything I have, or have left. We lost too much. We gave too much. It's a debt long overdue. And we can't wait anymore. It's time to collect it from the Reapers.

To see Quarians and Geth helping each other. To have the Genophage cured. Looking at the Asari Commandos fighting with so much fervour despite Thessia. Seeing peace between the Salarians, Turians, Krogan. All waging war, except this time, they stand on the same side. Witnessing the loss of Earth, Palaven, Thessia. The abduction of entire colonies. We're in too deep. _We can't afford to lose._

I'll fight. For Garrus. For Liara. They need their homeworld as bad as we do. I'll persevere. For Tali. For Legion. The peace between them was not achieved easily. I'll keep going. For Wrex. The Krogan finally found hope. They're not going to lose it that easily. I'll keep up, for Jacob and his unborn child. For Kaidan, whose sacrifice was the only reason that we stand on Earth now.

_And for you._ You've always kept me grounded, like an anchor. You were like a life buoy when I was drowning. You meant the world to me. One of the only bright spots in my life that has been covered in darkness most of the time. _To hear you say those three words to me... It was..._ I don't know the right expression. I just wish we had more time together. I can see the future that we would have together, after all of this nonsense is over. But I have a feeling only one of us is getting out of this alive, and it won't be me. I know I promised you that you would never lose me again. And I want to keep my promise. But I don't know what will happen. I don't know what fate has in store for us. _I just hope it's merciful enough to make you forget me _should worse come to worst. I don't want you to remain stuck in the past like those two years. You have to be strong, for your mother, Abbey, Lynn. And _especially Sarah. _I know you want to be with me until the very end, but please try to understand when I didn't pick you as part of my squad for the final assault.

_I love you Ash. _And I'm glad I got the chance to say it to you before.

_Let's go end this._

[SYSTEM MESSAGE: USER: COMMANDER SHEPARD HAS SET FOR THESE ENTRIES TO BE SENT TO USER: ASHLEY M. WILLIAMS UPON CEASE OF LIFESIGNS.]

**Afternote: Just to let you guys know, this entry is written during the past where you get to speak with everyone for the final time. There won't be anymore entries. Because I can't see Shepard typing out an entry while shooting at "Marauder Shields". LOL. If you guys really want closure, then go check out my other one-shot. Thanks for reading. Again, I hope you enjoyed reading this series of mine as much as I enjoyed writing it.**


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